I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
