Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
