We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
