Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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