I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
