If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
