He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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