I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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