you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
