Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
