i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
