My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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