Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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