My sheets look like a crime scene.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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