I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
