im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
