Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There's always time for handjobs
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
