I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
