smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
