also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
