No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
