I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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