Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
