can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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