I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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