I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He better not be in your backpack
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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