haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
