I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
