oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
