If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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