Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
