They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No subtext here. People are naked.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
