I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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