god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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