So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
