She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I really regret not asking ālike a cupcakeā when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
