i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
