I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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