Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
