I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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