i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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