she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is it penis luge time yet?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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