i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
