my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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