I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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