yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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