I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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