The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
