And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I faked an abortion last night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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