haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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